For more than a decade pre-birth, I was intensely connected to Spirit and had established a good, sound reputation for myself with clients through my work. I was looked up to by my clients, family and friends. I was considered something of a prodigy, an old, wise soul in a young person’s body, exceptional in many ways. Admittedly, it was a lot to live up to but that hardly mattered because thanks to the naivete of youth, I was completely unaware of any limits I had at the time.
In the years that followed my daughter’s birth, I experienced a lot of grief and shame because I knew within myself that I wasn’t handling this new motherhood stage of my life very well – to the effortless, happy, perfect standard I felt was expected of ‘someone like me’. In fact, I felt so distant in my connection with baby, relationships and daily tasks, it terrified me that I actually didn’t have much of a clue who I was anymore. Additionally, like most new mothers, I was pushed to the edge of my physical and energetic limits at the time. I was functioning from a pure mental understanding of what was required of me as a new mum.
I credit the tremendous, invaluable, powerful moral support of my colleagues who blessed me with numerous healing sessions and loads of encouragement and love in the first 2 years. This helped me get through the worst and made me see that putting on my teacher’s hat once again would help hugely with my healing and recovery post-birth. I started out by showing up as an ‘observer’ to the classes that my intuitive development/clairvoyant buddies were teaching at the time. It felt SO right. It was so good to be in a sacred space that was being held by someone other than me and to simply receive.
It was rehabilitation for my soul.
Gradually I was beginning to remember where I had left off in my own spiritual practice and relationship with myself. I still had no idea what had really happened but there was one thing I knew for sure:
The pain of this place devoid of connection was so empty and painful that I was dedicated 110% to finding myself again – no matter what that required or involved.
I knew there were no guarantees I would ever ‘feel like myself’ again but I made a sacred promise that I would see this quest through to the end – whatever that ‘end’ was – even during the times when the path, much less the end was nowhere in sight.
What followed was the investment of tens of thousands of pounds sterling and years of working devotedly on re-establishing my inner connection to Source, immersing myself like never before in my sacred work, completion of my clairvoyant teacher training, and most surprisingly, a determined reclamation of my unique ways of creating huge shifts in my clients’ lives. I began to notice an ownership and a certainty around the specifics of how I uniquely deliver my work that hadn’t been there before.
I noticed I had begun taking myself and my sacred work more seriously because instinctively, I knew my spiritual connection and sense of Self depended on it. I began to see what had happened during my daughter’s birth was that I did what most of us do in times of extreme stress – we unconsciously energetically and emotionally choose in an instant to disconnect or split away from the situation, and in so doing, oftentimes from ourselves.
Finally, the penny had begun to drop.
At last, the vacant feeling I had for so long was beginning to make sense. I had been so disconnected from myself that it never occurred to me that my internal gauge of energetic and emotional ‘connection’ had become unplugged during my daughter’s birth.
I began to really ‘get’ that in order to consolidate and concretise the woman I had become post-birth, that I wasn’t going to be able to go back to living those two separate lives. Life was asking that I commit fully to who I was regardless of my reservations, uncertainty, excuses or fears.
Committing 110% to the transformation I create for my clients and the unique way in which I serve was going to be the way I fully and sustainably anchored back into that all-important connection, spirituality and flow with myself in present time.
I talk about the concept of being in ‘present time’ a lot with clients because who you are in this moment is not who you have ever been. Never – in every sense of the word – was that truer for me after my daughter was born.
Realising that the pain that came with being so disconnected from myself adversely affected every area of my life, made it clear that if I was going to serve, I would have to do it fully and completely, with my whole Self IN. My sacred intuitive work couldn’t be a side gig anymore. I needed to stop hiding behind my ‘proper’, ‘noble’ job of setting up studies for cancer research here in South Wales.
In the context of my entire life, I lost myself for a moment and became determined to never to back to that disconnected, vacant, ‘lack of feeling’ place again.