Did you know that the quantity of love you have for yourself determines the very quality of your relationships and experiences? It is both a powerful and startling truth.
Your ability to truly be in sacred communion with yourself, your strengths, weaknesses – and the corners of your being you are reticent to explore – reflect the degree to which your current outer circumstances honour your most sacred inner self and truth.
What does that mean in everyday terms?
Being unable to love, accept and validate yourself, believe in your inborn ability to create uplifting, nurturing and loving situations with ease and live in a space of inner contentment and peace sets you up for experiences that cause repeated disappointment and heartbreak – experiences that speak to a mere shadow of the complete, capable, creative and intuitive Spirit you ARE.
These often take the form of emotionally crushing, invalidating kinds of experiences such as feeling stuck in a toxic, unfulfilling, soul-destroying marriage, partnership, friendship or job. Now, let’s look at a specific type of situation – extra-marital affairs say. The truth is that there can be different reasons why extra-marital affairs occur (this is not a ruling on the morality of them), but what if YOU are the invisible ‘outside’ man or woman who has been putting your life on hold longing to be in a fully-fledged relationship with a married or otherwise partnered individual? What if you can sense that your greatest fear – that the other person’s promises that you will one day soon be together are empty – is actually reflective of the truth? This is precisely the type of invalidating, soul-destroying experience that by its very nature causes you anguish, sorrow and grief.
To bring this awareness closer to home, you only have to think of the situation/s in your own life that causes you to feel unloved, unappreciated, misunderstood and/or unseen. They are easily recognisable by the fact that they cause you intense emotional distress and for lack of a better term, ‘spiritual pain’.
The experience of this ‘spiritual pain’ can exist on different levels of awareness but there are two levels in particular that stand out.
The first level of pain you experience in situations such as these is the emotional hurt and distress that comes from desperately wanting to be ‘held’ but instead feeling punished, invalidated, violated, disrespected and unseen. There is a deep inner longing for love, acceptance and true appreciation from the other person/s which exists alongside intense sadness, disappointment and an unutterable sense of betrayal.
The second level of pain – that often accompanies the first – is a fundamental level of grief. This type of grief can be so pervasive and entrenched that it is easy to assume the outer situation or person is the cause. The truth however is that this grief is your instinctive response to unknowingly being out of alignment with your REAL Self, inner wisdom and needs. You might even notice yourself projecting your grief onto what you perceive to be the external cause but find that this only perpetuates the cycle of misunderstanding, frustration and grief. At this level it is clear that the aforementioned sense of betrayal, rather than being something external to you, actually arises from your disconnection from your essential self. And for this reason, this is the more intense of these two levels of spiritual and emotional pain. It arises from not knowing on the most basic of levels how to honour and celebrate your relationship with yourself so that you inadvertently end up ‘selling out’ or betraying your REAL self.
It is impossible for anyone to assume personal responsibility for a ‘problem’ they didn’t create. The players in your life are completely powerless and at most times, disinterested in knowing about your disconnection from your REAL self.
It can be difficult to dismantle it in this way and come to terms with the fact that a fundamental inability to love yourself is actually at the heart of some of your greatest pains. Luckily however, there is a bright and promising flip side. If this rationale resonates within you, what if you thought of it in these terms – consider that your life-ward intelligence, your inner knowing has been silently searching for an understanding of how you can truly retrieve yourself from whatever situation it is that causes you to feel lost and in pain.
Being able to identify the source of your pain puts you in the best possible position to address it! It puts you in a position to take charge of your happiness levels and begin to more consciously choose more of the kinds of experiences that intuitively speak to your soul.
With your invalidating situation or relationship now laid bare, you are in the perfect position to begin healing your relationship with yourself NOW. This isn’t as difficult as it sounds. There is within you an individualised form of universal intelligence that knows exactly how to bring you into closer alignment with your true self and needs. What is required on your part is a clear intent that you want to move from a place of feeling sorry for yourself, powerless or weak into a place of empowerment and certainty that you can heal yourself and in fact, deserve much, much more.
Be aware however, that the process of self-healing is a multi-dimensional one that occurs far beyond your sense of self and the reaches of linear time and space. Letting yourself off the hook for having to in any way consciously control or guide your process is a wise choice because it simply isn’t possible to harness forces that are unseen and part of an alchemical realm. Instead, intend and trust that as you reach inwards into your courage, resourcefulness, inner wisdom and truth, your self-healing process will begin to naturally unfold in the inner and outer ways that are perfect for you.
And as you give yourself permission to truly accept ALL of yourself and become immersed in your inner transformation and self-healing, your relationship to your outer situation has no choice but to begin shifting as well. You will find yourself savouring the pure inner joy, satisfaction, understanding and relief that you are indeed the captain of your own ship. You will begin to see more and more clearly the way out of the situation or relationship that has kept you feeling emotionally and energetically immobilised, unappreciated, unloved and unseen.